Lets be real shall we?! Last week I was pushed into a frenzy as everything seemed to be stuck at stand still with Porter. He was constantly cranky. He didn't even really settle down when being held. I was overwhelmed with not being able to do a good job at work, taking care of my house, taking care of my family, etc. Porter decided he didn't really want to take his bottle anymore... for lack of better words, I felt like a complete failure all around. I'm totally sick of the hospital. Sick of people saying "you'll be out of here before you know it!" (We are 11 weeks and counting & we don't actually have the end in sight yet... very frustrating to hear! Although I recognize people are just trying to be nice.) Saturday afternoon I just couldn't take it anymore. Porter wouldn't stop fussing. I handed him over to the nurse & I left. I cried nearly the whole way home as I talked out loud to Heavenly Father & told him "I am done! Something has to get better. I can't go there everyday feeling helpless & seeing no improvement. I have reached my limit. I need help!" By some miracle, or by the grace of God, when Boe & I went back to be with him he was as pleasant as a peach! We gave him a bath which he loved. He ate his bottle. And he went down for the night without a whimper. There are a lot of things I don't know. But I do know Heavenly Father hears our prayers. He knows us better then we know ourselves & I'm sure one day I'll look back on this experience & have a better understanding for the reasons I've had to endure these trials. But for now, I'm still learning & I'll keep struggling until He's sure I've figured it out!
On a better, more positive note, here are some pictures of my cute baby!
When Porter is awake & alert he loves to look at his mobile! I love to watch him try to grab it :)
CrAzY EyEs! haha looks like we caught him in a stare down! just kidding
When Porter is awake & alert he loves to look at his mobile! I love to watch him try to grab it :)
CrAzY EyEs! haha looks like we caught him in a stare down! just kidding
10 comments:
Wanted to offer major hugs....I think as mothers we all get to that point when we have infants...where we really just have no idea what to do to make them happy and content again - then a few min (or hours sometimes...) later they're just fine. And then on top of those emotions we all deal with, you have the trial of him being in the hospital. It's definitely a challenge...but like you've said - He's always watching, and there's always a reason for our trials.
Don't feel bad for leaving. sometimes thats what you need to do. One time Marley wouldn't stop crying for over an hour so i put her in her bed and went in the other room to try to calm down...i started crying myself lol. But every baby has their day or days when they are just fussy and there is nothing we can do. Hang in there. I'm glad he is doing so great.
First-you look really cute in the second picture! Second-thank you for posting this post! My husband has been out of town for the past week and I have been home with my sick baby. I hit my breaking point last night. My baby had been screaming for an hour straight and I just couldn't take it anymore and I too felt like a failure and a bad mom. So I sat on my bed, kicked my feet like a 5 year old throwing a tantrum. And then I prayed. And then I called my mom who calmed me down and then I got my son to sleep! I'm glad that I'm not the only one who struggles as a mother and I'm glad that I'm not the only one who turns to the Lord!
Marye-I'm so glad I got to see you Saturday night! You are so beautiful. Thanks for your post. I think I have breaking points more than I'd like to admit...and you are a wonderful example of just turning things over to Heavenly Father. It never fails...it may not be easy, but it's worth it. Porter's such a lucky boy to have you!!
Don’t worry about your break down, I had many.
I think every NICU mom does. Kudos to you for making it out of the hospital before you had yours; mine was full out in front of all his nurses and NP's.
I do remember being told by an NP once, "Don’t be embarrassed to have a meltdown, it means your mother instincts are there, you’re the mama bear wanting to protect your cub.”
I know how it feels when everything just seems to be going wrong, how every step forward seems to always be followed by 2 steps back. It’s horrible, plain horrible. There is no other way to explain having a baby in the NICU especially for months at a time.
It’s not fair when everyday you have to pull your car into that stupid parking lot, walk that treacherous long lonely hallway and wait to get buzzed in, just to see your baby for only hours at a time and then having to make the same walk all over again day after day, night after night.
I’m so sorry you have had to go through everything that you have. It’s not fair having NICU babies.
You are right about one thing, you will see how strong this experience has made you as a Mother, Wife, and as a Couple. If you can make in through a NICU stay, you really can make it through anything.
I hope Porter continues to get stronger and better every day so you and your hubby can finally stop living in Zombie mode and finally have that little man home, and in your arms for as long as you want him to be, and never have to be told its time to put him back, and never have to pull your car into that parking lot ever again.
Sorry that this comment seems to have made itself into a Novel.
((HUGS))
I love your honesty =)
I can only imagine how frustrating that would be! It would be so incredibly stressful. I just want you to know that you are an inspiration on strength to me. Seriously the other day I was thinking of how you have handled this whole situations and I am amazed at how well you do it. I don't know if I could be that strong or have as much faith as you! Thanks for sharing your experience with me.
Also it is totally normal to feel overwhelmed by your children/situation it happens to everyone,You are not a bad mom you are an awesome one
That totally made me tear up. It's crazy how quickly he answers prayers... even just to ease the struggle for a minute.
It's okay to have a breakdown. I can't imagine what you are experiencing. Honestly, I've had a day or two (or many more)like that with my kids who are 3 and 5!!! I've had to leave the room and about go crazy. And I'm not experiencing the trials you have had to endure. You are doing a great job and are always going to be such an amazing mother!
((HUGS)) You inspire me with your patience and your faith. I love this post. So honest. Hang in there.
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