Saturday morning I was finally able to go and see my babies! Paisley has continued to struggle & they had some major concerns about her little body not having the ability to appropriately clot her blood. She had some major swelling in her brain that was causing her a significant amount of pain. The doctor explained to us that she had a 3rd degree bleed on one side of her brain & a 4th degree bleed (the worst it can be) on the other side. The brain in very sensitive & any amount of pressure on the brain causes those cells to permanantly die. The damage done would've caused her to have a life basically as a vegetable. She could never walk, eat, talk, maybe not even hear because of the severe brain damage. At that moment we were consumed with more pain & more heartache then we ever knew possible! We immediately prayed for understanding & comfort! We literally felt the arms of the Holy Ghost wrap around us & feel our heart with love & gratitude where pain & anger previously were! We were very blessed that Dr. Patel was able to find the nature of her pain & we had the time to be with her & love her before she passed. On Saturday evening we called our parents & bishopric up to the hospital to give her a name & a blessing. It was most precious & beautiful to have our families there to say good-bye to her. Paisley had a lot of wonderful nurses & doctors who kept her pain free through the night & on Sunday morning (yesterday) we were able to hold her for as long as we wanted. Boe & I were there alone with her so we could talk to her & make sure she felt how much we love her!
After a few hours we took her off her intibator & took pictures with her & loved her & kissed millions of times! The sweetest woman in the world came to the hospital for us & took these beautiful pictures of Paisley! We were so grateful she stayed with us while we put her in Porter's incubator & said good-bye. You can see the picture below where they are holding hands... It nearly broke my heart to see how sweet they are together!
(she is still alive in these pictures. Her blood flow is very poor & her oxygen is low so she a little blue. Also, she was still very bruised from delievery)
23 comments:
I'm glad you are able to keep this updated. Paisley has such a sweet spirit. You are lucky to have her be your own.
We love you guys. Keep pressing forward. Keep us updated on Porter's progress.
Marye- I have NO words for you. I am so so sorry. I am so glad you got all these amazing pictures. I am so glad you had that time together as a family. I am sorry. Love you guys.
Megs
Those pictures are AMAZING!!! I'm glad you were able to get such an awesome family picture. We are still praying for your little family!! We love you guys more than you could ever know!!
Eric and Allana
This quote has meant a lot to me after my miscarriages - "When your parents are gone, you're an orphan; spouse dies you're a widow/widower; but when you lose your baby. . . there's no word for that." (ER, Dr. Banfield.
I am so sorry for your loss. The pictures are amazing and wonderful.
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this, God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are ok.
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.
-Author Unknown
I honestly don't know what to say, I just want you to know that I admire the strength that you have shown. Our hearts to out to you, and you're still in our thoughts and prayers.
Marye-
ALL I can say is how much I look up to you and Boe. Through reading your blog, you truely are an inspiration to all of us! We are keeping you and your angels in our prayers! Isn't the gospel incredable. We are praying for you and Boe and hope that you will feel the saviors love!!
we love you to!!
shay & meg Rolfson
I am so sorry for your loss. We will keep you and your family in our prayers as you deal with the loss of this child. Isn't it so wonderful to have an understanding of the principle of eternal families.
You are so strong. You will be in our prayers. May the Lord continue to wrap his arms around you during this time.
Thanks for sharing your experience with us. We will be keeping you and your family in our thoughts. You obviously have an amazing support system in your family, but please let me know if there's anything at all we can help with. This is a time to come together :)
Love--Becky
We love you guys so much! I'm so glad you were able to get these pictures, especially the one with her Christmas doll from us. I'm very happy to hear you are being comforted at this time. My heart has really been turned to the true meaning of Christmas, family, peace, comfort, and the gift of a baby that has sacrificed her life for her brother. Please let us know when and what we can do for your family.
KEEP UP THE GOOD FIGHT PORTER, WE LOVE YOU BUDDY!
Marye-reading your blog has strengthened my testimony of our Heavenly Father and eternal families. My heart has been broken this week thinking about what you have gone through, but then when I read your blog and your testimony, I can't help but feel warmth knowing that you guys are together forever. Porter and Paisley are so blessed to have you as their mom, and you guys will have an eternity full of happiness together. I love you so much Marye. I'm so lucky to have the chance to serve with you and learn from you. I mean it when I say I have never met anyone with faith and a testimony as strong as yours. I'm so glad we've crossed paths.
Marye and Boe-
I am so sorry that you had to say goodbye to your little princess. She is beautiful. the pictures are amazing, and you will always be able to have them to see how sweet and innocent she was.
I am so glad that you were able to hold her perfect body before she passed, those will be helpful to you as the time goes on.
I am so glad that you were able to place your sweet babies together one last time, I hope you got pictures of it.
I will be thinking of you all and hoping for a quick recovery for your sweet porter.
Marye- I really don't know what to say. I am so sorry, and my heart breaks for you and your husband. Those pictures are so sweet I am so glad you were able to get them. You are such a strong person with such a strong testimony, and I admire that about you.My thoughts and prayers are with your family. please let me know if I can do anything to help.
FAMILY'S ARE FOREVER.
love you, Whitney
Wow Marye, I don't even know what to say. I am so sorry, but be comforted knowing you will see her again. She is with our heavenly father who loves her. My prayers are with your family.
Matt and I send our love and prayers to you both. Those pictures are beautiful.
You are in our thoughts and prayers. I can feel her sweet spirit just through the pictures.
Marye and Boe,
I just want you to know you have been and are in our prayers. I am so sorry for your loss. And I want you to know that you are an inspiration to me. You are so strong and I am sooo happy for you that Porter is doing so well.
Know that you are loved and thought about.
Shelley
Oh, Marye,
I want to give you a hug right now. I am so glad that you have been able to feel comforted by the Holy Ghost. I am so glad we both know about the gospel. Little Paisley is still alive. You will see her again and you will always be her mother. The gospel is such a wonderful gift. I love you Marye. Your family is in our prayers.
I love that picture of them holding hands. You wonder if they knew.
Marye- I don't know if you remember me but I am Nicole Tibbitts' little sister. I just wanted to let you know that you and your family are in my prayers and that your children are absolutely beautiful. Oddly enough I have not felt the Spirit so strongly as I did when I read your blog about your sweet little girl. God really does love you and he blessed you guys greatly with these two sweet souls. Your in our prayers and I pray the Porter will have many more milestones!
oh my gosh Mary she is such an angel. I cried when i saw this. I hope you know we love you all and you are in our prayer
I know there are no perfect words. Several months later, I know there is a hole in you heart missing that little princess. I am so sorry Paisley wasn't able to stay. These pictures are a perfect reminder of that sweet little angel and the time you had with her. I am glad you have them.
I remember those first days and had forgotten how little they both really were. I am sure reading back through your blog would be emotional and is a reminder of some hard times, but I am amazed where you have been and what you endured. If you need a reminder of how strong you really are, read through it. You are an amazing woman and Porter and Paisley are lucky you are their mom.
I found your blog just searching and Jumping around= I am a mother of 2 daughters who were not twins but were premature, a sister to a brother who was multiply disabled (preemie) who also had a grade 4 bleed. I have also lost a little one at 24, 20 and 10 weeks (boys). My heart ached reading your blog but it filled my heart in many ways, I appreciate your blog what an example you are too many and I only continue to pray for Porter as he continues on the path and how comforting though so hard he has a guardian angel for life.. My prayers are with you and your Family. What a wonderful blog and amazing posts with your little one's.
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